I've rehearsed the speech over and over in my mind. I've looked in the mirror. I've researched. I've read. I've cried. I've sworn. I've walked away, but came back for more time and again.
No more.
The time has finally come for me to speak up for myself and take a stand once and for all. The time has come for a real, live break-up.
Here goes nothing.
It's not you; it's me. Okay, no. It's you. It's totally you. It's always been you. You are a liar. You build me up one day just to let me down the next. I swear you're the most bipolar, unpredictable, unreliable measure of my self-worth that I've ever let have such a hold on me. This time I'm walking away. I will not let you tear me down any longer. I will not let you dictate my mood. I will not let you cloud my judgement about who I am anymore.
Do you want to know why? Because I AM beautiful. Inside and out, I'm a beautiful, strong, capable, loving, AMAZING woman! I will climb to the tallest mountain and scream it again and again. I'm worth it! I'm good. I'm great. I'm pretty. I'll even stand in front of a mirror and repeat those same words over and over again until I finally believe it MYSELF.
Yes, I'm more than you tell me that I am. I'm more.
That's right, scale. I'm more than what you tell me my relationship with gravity is. I'm more than how much water I'm retaining, my body fat percentage, how many grams of protein I need, and DEFINITELY more than just a number. I'm done with you.
At least for now.
Folks, I've always known that the scale does not give a complete picture of my health, however, I've remained enslaved to those numbers for years!! I weigh in to start a "diet." I weigh in to see how that "diet" is doing. I weigh in to start a workout regime. I weigh in to monitory my progress in my workouts. I weigh in when I wake up. I weigh in before I lie down. Heck, I'd weigh nearly every time I walked into or out of the bathroom!
Somehow, even though I've preached and preached the gospel that "diets" don't work, but that lifestyle changes are where it's at, I've never quite reach any of my goals. Something's not quite adding up.
Not too long ago, I got the genius idea to put my scale next to my fridge in order to deter poor food choices. It kind of worked, but not really. You see, I really didn't lose much, and I definitely never felt better about myself or my health and well-being. My smallest child loved having it there, but never could figure out quite how to stand in order to get it to read. He tried jumping on it. He tried standing on his head on it. He even tried bouncing it off of the floor! The only thing he succeeded in was breaking the thing! It started giving us crazy readings, and that's when I realized what a hold it had on me. I would see ridiculously high or unbelievably low numbers that I KNEW were not realistic, but I would feel an instantaneous moment of dispair or exuberance regardless. It was in those moments I realized that I was going to have to walk away, but this time it would have to be for good.
I will stay away from this long-standing relationship for as long as I need to. The breaking of the scale made it easier, and digging deep inside is going to make it stick. I'm vowing to myself, my health, and my readers that I will not be weighing myself until I've dropped at least two pants sizes, and I will NEVER again let it have the control over my self-worth, health, and well being that I've let it hold over me in the past.
And that, friends, is my break-up story. Feel free to join me. It's very liberating.
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