We currently live in a little rural town with a population of about 2500. I'm quite certain that there are many, many more cows than people, and the nearest Walmart or other "big box" store is over 85 miles away. I work full time from home, so I do get to feeling isolated at times. We've tried connecting with community churches, and it just hasn't clicked... It's difficult to explain, but I'm sure some of y'all get it.
My parents divorced when I was 12, and our family went through quite a tumultuous time while all the dust settled, and in a single year I had gone to seven different schools, and finally landed with my dad and stepmom, who were both functioning alcoholics at the time -- though I'm not quite certain how they functioned on as much as they consumed daily. I left my biological brother and sister behind with my mom in western Kansas. At the time, my stepmom was fighting for custody of her kids, and her attorney advised becoming members of a local church -- it'd look good to the judge. On their third visit, they were radically saved, came home and dumped out all of their alcohol, and haven't touched a drop since.
Those first years of their new salvation was a period of definite black or white, and a severe adjustment for me as a 13, almost 14-year-old girl getting ready to start high school. I had just moved from a home that I basically was in charge of, functioning as a very immature, but responsible "adult" member in that household. My only social outlet then became church, and even then it was heavily policed. I wasn't allowed to drive, date, wear skirts or shorts above my knee, ride with teenaged drivers, listen to secular music, play high school sports, etc etc etc. This all was mostly fine with me, considering the life I left behind when I moved from my mom's was one I was not proud of.
And although I can't tell you my exact "spiritual birthday," I do know that I fell completely in love with the God of the universe during this time as well.
I went to an AG bible college for a year after high school to placate my dad. Even though they were not financially contributing at all, it was their "requirement" that I attend a Christian school my first year away from home, and TCU (my first choice) was too secular. I tried out for and subsequently joined the campus traveling drama ministry team, but struggled with a lot of things that I just couldn't wrap my logical brain around while there. I attended one year, and that was it for me.
That summer, I moved in with a family member near the school, and began to officially stretch my wings. My parents were pretty sure I had backslidden all the way into the pits of hell, so when I moved back in with them around Christmas time, it was a very tense and stressful situation.
Things got yucky shortly thereafter, and I ended up moving in with a friend from church and her mom. Then to the friend's boyfriend's house. I soon realized that the boyfriend and his crowd weren't the best circle to run with, and after I ended up in the emergency room with a concussion, my mom in the western KS/eastern CO area and I mended fences and she helped me get up to CO so that I could officially get on my feet.
I never used my return plane ticket home to Louisiana.
Cut to today. My mom and I are good, but the relationship never became a conventional mother/daughter relationship. We're definitely close, but she's not overly maternal, and most of the time I've accepted that that's okay. She's a wonderful person with a kind heart, and I've enjoyed getting to know her again, as adults.
I went to an AG bible college for a year after high school to placate my dad. Even though they were not financially contributing at all, it was their "requirement" that I attend a Christian school my first year away from home, and TCU (my first choice) was too secular. I tried out for and subsequently joined the campus traveling drama ministry team, but struggled with a lot of things that I just couldn't wrap my logical brain around while there. I attended one year, and that was it for me.
That summer, I moved in with a family member near the school, and began to officially stretch my wings. My parents were pretty sure I had backslidden all the way into the pits of hell, so when I moved back in with them around Christmas time, it was a very tense and stressful situation.
Things got yucky shortly thereafter, and I ended up moving in with a friend from church and her mom. Then to the friend's boyfriend's house. I soon realized that the boyfriend and his crowd weren't the best circle to run with, and after I ended up in the emergency room with a concussion, my mom in the western KS/eastern CO area and I mended fences and she helped me get up to CO so that I could officially get on my feet.
I never used my return plane ticket home to Louisiana.
Cut to today. My mom and I are good, but the relationship never became a conventional mother/daughter relationship. We're definitely close, but she's not overly maternal, and most of the time I've accepted that that's okay. She's a wonderful person with a kind heart, and I've enjoyed getting to know her again, as adults.
My dad and stepmom have grown so much in their faith, as a family, and as human beings. They have left the brick and mortar institution of church, and now host and attend small group type meetings in their homes and home of their friends. Their love for the Lord is pure and beautiful, and I would never in a million years question their faith. I've been hopeful and interested in forming some kind of similar connection where we've been planted in eastern CO, but it just hasn't happened yet, and I suppose it could be for a myriad of reasons. I'm currently struggling with feeling as though I/we don't quite fit in, in our rural agricultural community or any local churches. I'm feeling a pull that maybe God wants to plant us somewhere else, but I'm unsure how that logistically will work out. I do know that if it's in the cards for us, it'll happen as long as we're here to enjoy the ride.
My faith has continuted to evolve over the years, but I would say that my journey started with a simple yet profound revelation - I serve a god who *IS* love, whose greatest commandment is to love, and if he is actual L-O-V-E, then he loves his creation enough to reveal himself in anyway we'll listen. That's definitely too big of a concept to fit neatly into my little Christian shaped box.
Of course, that doesn't mean that he CAN'T fit into that christian-shaped box that I'm comfortable with, but it definitely excludes man-made limits from that grace and love. Who am I to say that if someone else has met the God who *IS* love through another avenue, that we both aren't being loved by the same God? My God is big enough to be anything to anyone at any time, and just because Jesus is my way, truth, and life, doesn't mean that someone else's spiritual path is wrong.
Needless to say, that's not exactly an accept belief system in the parameters of the modern day christian church... I have one friend from my very active A/G days who seems to promote a similar belief system. ONE. I've shared my thought process with a few along the way, but it hasn't been embraced. I'm sure I'm on a few prayer lists for my back-slidden, new-age, wordly ways. Haha.
I've also struggled some with churches in our area because although I want to raise my children with similar biblical foundations, I don't want to teach them complete judgement and rejection of any other human, regardless of life path and belief system.
There were several things I was taught to reject and judge as a young christian, that as I grew older and experienced more life, was put into a position of making choices that I would have most definitely judged in my more formative years. Choices that caused close family members to reject me for a period of my life. Choices that did not change me or who I am as a person and certainly never discounted my value or worthiness of LOVE. I don't want to raise my children with that kind of blindness. I have had close friends make choices to be who they feel they are, and I was judged for NOT judging them and loving them anyway. That's just not okay with me either.
So, there's a little glimpse into my current spiritual journey.
My faith has continuted to evolve over the years, but I would say that my journey started with a simple yet profound revelation - I serve a god who *IS* love, whose greatest commandment is to love, and if he is actual L-O-V-E, then he loves his creation enough to reveal himself in anyway we'll listen. That's definitely too big of a concept to fit neatly into my little Christian shaped box.
Of course, that doesn't mean that he CAN'T fit into that christian-shaped box that I'm comfortable with, but it definitely excludes man-made limits from that grace and love. Who am I to say that if someone else has met the God who *IS* love through another avenue, that we both aren't being loved by the same God? My God is big enough to be anything to anyone at any time, and just because Jesus is my way, truth, and life, doesn't mean that someone else's spiritual path is wrong.
Needless to say, that's not exactly an accept belief system in the parameters of the modern day christian church... I have one friend from my very active A/G days who seems to promote a similar belief system. ONE. I've shared my thought process with a few along the way, but it hasn't been embraced. I'm sure I'm on a few prayer lists for my back-slidden, new-age, wordly ways. Haha.
I've also struggled some with churches in our area because although I want to raise my children with similar biblical foundations, I don't want to teach them complete judgement and rejection of any other human, regardless of life path and belief system.
There were several things I was taught to reject and judge as a young christian, that as I grew older and experienced more life, was put into a position of making choices that I would have most definitely judged in my more formative years. Choices that caused close family members to reject me for a period of my life. Choices that did not change me or who I am as a person and certainly never discounted my value or worthiness of LOVE. I don't want to raise my children with that kind of blindness. I have had close friends make choices to be who they feel they are, and I was judged for NOT judging them and loving them anyway. That's just not okay with me either.
So, there's a little glimpse into my current spiritual journey.
I can so relate to this. I love this! " I serve a god who *IS* love, whose greatest commandment is to love, and if he is actual L-O-V-E, then he loves his creation enough to reveal himself in anyway we'll listen."
ReplyDeleteLots of beautiful thoughts in this post, thanks for sharing them. I'm with ya. ((hugs)) It's hard to be loving in an unloving, selfish and unforgiving world. It's hard to find a church...goodness I know. It's easy to be judged though. :( I don't understand why it seems so hard to love and respect others ...but it sure is for most people. I always say that people don't world peace, they can't even fathom the concept..they don't even know how to have community peace.
Stacey,
ReplyDeleteI admire your openness and willingness to share from your heart. Jesus never promised us an easy journey, but He DID promise that He would be with us; and I believe, from reading part of your story, that He has been with you thru each hill and valley in your life.
God bless you, my friend!