forever a skeptic

maybe it's because i grew up believing that no one kept their word.  my parents divorced and family members abused me.  boyfriends cheated.  friends betrayed. 

maybe it's because i went through a long stint of being dishonest, myself. 

maybe i'm just born cynical. 

who knows what it is, but i second guess EVERYTHING.  i research, double check, and verify everything i am told and everything that i read.  unless i can make it MAKE SENSE to me in some way or another, i don't buy it.  it has to make some logical sense to me, or i toss it to the mental curb like yesterday's garbage gossip.

weird physical symptoms pointing to one event that occurred over 15 years ago?  it's a little bit of a far reach for me, but yet i was able to wrap my brain around it.  while i was in high school got a mysterious bug bite, followed by this crazy bull's eye rash on my inner thigh.  my parents thought it was a spider bite and were waiting for red streaks to go shooting up or down my leg or the center to necrose before seeking help.  neither happened, so there was no need for a doctor.  i don't remember any specific symptoms at the time other than a high school career filled with insane headaches and my dad thinking i was crazy and faking it and wanting to come home just for a headache.  i don't remember a single time i went to a doctor or a dentist when i was in high school.  not once.  i should celebrate being healthy, right?

however, as i've gotten older (and heavier), i've had more and more symptoms flare up that make me feel that getting old SUCKS or that something possible *IS* wrong with me.  or both.  :)

i've never not believed that i contracted lyme disease all those years back.  and in the back of my mind, i've often wondered if these annoying little symptoms were not related to that crazy rash.  but i am also thankful for all that my body has and continues to do for me.  i've birthed three beautifully healthy children.  i've enjoyed stints of pretending to be a runner.  i've climbed and hiked mountains.  i've traveled.  i have a great career and an amazing husband.  i could go on and on.  i'm not really limited in enjoying my life.  i don't feel SICK.  i constantly remind my children to be thankful for what they have rather than to complain about what they don't...  so it's difficult for me to really focus on little symptoms and want to ask for help.

me?  ask for help?  ha!  i'll blame that on being independent.

short list of symptoms, you ask?  well, i get migraines and tension headaches pretty regularly.  3-4 a week, and most times ibuprofen won't even touch the pain.  my neck aches daily, and if you rub it, it cracks under your fingers.  my pelvis hurts right in the pubis symphasis, and has since early pregnancy, but mostly only in the mornings after i've been lying on my side throughout the night.  my joints in my ankles and toes ache when i get up in the morning and my knees are stiff.  after i've been moving around, it all gets to my level of normal, which is crack and popping and occasional pains, but nothing too bad.  i get these crazy hives that come and go with no apparent rhyme or reason.  when i'm feeling particularly itchy, if i scratch myself, a welt will pop up in the exact form that my fingernails scratched.  i get dizzy.  my heart skips a beat (regular arythmia), and my blood pressure is randomly extremely low.  i have 2-3 boughts of reflux a week, accompanied by really attractive belches.  i ebb and flow with low iron, low vitamin d, rising tsh (thyroid hormone) levels, fatigue, night sweats, tremors, and brain fog.  what's the brain fog, you ask?  often when i wake up in the morning and i try to recall conversations, i can only do so with holes in my memory of them.  it's as though i had a bit too much wine the night before, when i know that the strongest drink i had was water on the rocks.  i can remember asking a question but cannot recall if the question has been answered at all.  i can remember the gist of a conversation without being able to really remember it.  i often wonder how annoying, random, or sometimes drunk i seemed to whomever i was conversing with.  i also struggle with organization.  i have great vision for how i want things, but i can't tell you how many times i have to turn around and come home when trying to leave for some event.  i forget important things like wallet, car keys, paperwork, money, schedule, directions, etc.  it took me hours to put this blog post together and make it seem not quite as disjointed as my brain is....  rabbit trails are far more frequent than major highways when it comes to how i handle and express information.

i should stop there.  i said i would write a short list, but it goes on and on.  but i hate making excuses, so i often don't talk about them.  i tell myself that i should take my vitamins, eat better, and exercise more.  i should make myself lists, i should get a good night's sleep on a more regular basis, and i should love myself and my life.  and i do!!  i really do.

but i'm holding on to this glimmer of hope that maybe i'm not just fat, lazy, and lame.  MAYBE there's hope for a better life.  maybe i can become a real runner and compete in races.  perhaps I can climb to the very top of 14ers, instead of petering out at 13,000 feet.  that i can run and play with my kids instead of dreaming of napping with the baby.  that i can start something AND see it through to completion without losing focus.  i'm hopeful that i won't be itchy all the time, that my hair will grow again (and fill back out).  i'm hopeful that there is a true honest to god REASON that i struggle so much with weight and that even though it's hard work, that it's not THAT hard of work.  i am clinging to all of those thoughts as i go down this path of treatment. 

today is day 1, and i hope to chronicle this path.  well, today was the first FULL day.  i took two of three doses of doxycycline yesterday, and i've had two doses today along with half dose of samento and apo-heat (homeopathic helpers to make the antibiotics more effective).  i slept 11 hours last night, from 10pm-9am.  blaise was a little saint to allow that!  i started going downhill in the energy department around 3:00, but that's not unusual.  i'm ready for a nap right now and my vision is blurry.  in fact, if i still had my glasses, i'd be wearing them right now.  i ate a late breakfast and a late lunch with only about four hours in between, and by the time it was lunch time, i was shaking so badly that i could hardly get the fork to my mouth for the first couple of bites.  i need to drink more water.  the skin on my face almost feels tingly...  it's hard to explain, really.  kind of like when you've had one glass of wine on an empty stomach?  not sure what it is with me and wine references today! i'm itchy itchy itchy today with random hives popping up and disappearing.  and i've been kind of down and lonely.  here's to day two tomorrow! 

and don't expect daily updates to be consistent.  i might start out strong and fizzle out, only to come back again.  it's kind of how i roll.  that, i hope, will change as well. 

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Beating the stress monster with a big stick

I've never really considered myself a binge eater, an emotional eater OR an alcoholic.  I do do things to extremes, though, especially when stressed.  (did you giggle when you read do do?  i did!)

If I stress, I tend to do other stressful things.  I spend more money.  I go on strike in the kitchen.  I hire help.  I go out to eat.  I have a cocktail...or five...  and I make brownies.

These actions are truly self-defeating.  After a cocktail of wine or chocolate, my almost busted give-a-damn always suffers a thorough beating and becomes totally non-existent.  I stop caring about anything, really, and isn't that the purpose of self-medicating anyway?  But guess what happens?  I wake up in the morning feeling groggy, foggy, and unhealthy.  I feel guilty, shameful and fat.  My self-medicating always backfires on me and I end up right back where I started at, sometimes with a hangover to boot.  It may have temporarily alleviated the immediate stress of the situation, but it has done nothing to either fix the root cause of the stress or make me a better person inside or out.

And I must be certifiably crazy, because I've been keenly aware of this cycle since I've been old enough to think about it, but yet I let it continue.  I really need to come up with a list of alternative stress busters to turn to.  I commit to myself (and to you) that the next time I swear that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards or I think that I NEED a glass of wine to unwind, I'll consider one of these alternatives instead (but in no specific order).

1.) WORK.  I work from home and often there are extra hours to be picked up.  While it is true that work can be a source of stress, more often lack of money is the real source.  That or the guilty feeling that I'm not doing as good of a job as I know that I am capable of.  So if there are not hours to be picked up, files to edit. or spreadsheets to do, I know I can at least do some speed drills and dictionary work to make certain that my product is my personal best. 

2.) WALK.  I have a dog, I have a stroller, I have a functioning body and I have tennis shoes.  Often a change of scenery is all that I need to get the persistent case of the grumpies to go away.

3.)  CLEAN.  Another source of stress in my life is clutter or mess, but so often I just gripe about it and avoid it rather than tackling it.  But doing the dishes won't make me relax, of this I'm certain.  But tackling a closet leaves me with a sense of accomplishment and peace.  That, and it gives me a chance to rock some tunes and direct my attention towards something.

4.) BLOG/JOURNAL.  I love to write, and I love to share my thoughts, insights, inspirations and even humiliations.  Writing is something I've always loved to do, but I rarely get to it anymore.  If I can make time for mixing up a batch of brownies or running to the corner store for a bottle of wine, I could write a quick little blog instead.

5.) EXERCISE BREAK.  How about drop and give me 20?  Or more likely, 2.  If every time I felt stressed or down in the dumps I did as many push-ups as I could muster, my arms would be buff in no time! If I gave my abs the workout that I give my gut, I'd probably like the results more.  Jump squats?  Jump rope?  Biceps curls?  And yet again, another tuneage opporutnity.

6.) SHOWER.  Seriously.  A shower resulting in clean hair and smooth legs can really remake a mood in my busy world.  Just wash the blues down the drain, right?

7.) PLAY.  I love board games and I love my kids.  They love getting me to play a game with them, but I am sad to admit that I do not make the same time for that as I would like to.  I'm certain that a game of uno, jenga, life, or sorry could be a nice distraction from the pressures of everyday living.  Or I can teach them the joys of card games like rumi, spades, or war!  I like this idea.

8.) TAKE A PICTURE.  Photography is a hobby that I love... and miss!  I stopped taking pictures because I couldn't afford the equipment to make my photos look as good as they do in my mind's eye.  But just because I'm not pursuing it professionally doesn't mean that I don't need to archive my family's memories and have fun making something beautiful in the mean time.

9.) READ.  I love to read, both fiction and non-fiction alike.  Even if it's only a 10-minute reading break, it's still a break and would still do me some good.  Not research, though.  Just reading.

10.) BEAUTIFY.  Fix my hair, paint my nails, do a self-tan, change my clothes.  Anything to give  a good ole self-esteem boost.

Ten should do it for now.  That's a lot to choose from, and any of those options would be much healthier than the food and drink I've resorted to of late.  And that, my friends, is my subtle change that will cause a seismic shift in my health for the week.  One change at a time, I'm taking my life back! 

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random ramblings

I have meant to sit and write a post about rodeo, about how I became a Christian, cloth diapering, being a stepparent, cooking for eight, being a closed captioner, and about my dream to open a training center in my tiny hometown. 

Somehow life got in the way.

First, I'll touch on being a totally new rodeo mom.  Man, is it tough.  Soccer moms, you have it easy!  There are so many responsibilities and chores involved in a of weekend rodeos that I never really thought about before!  You cannot just drive in, compete, and ride away.  What about the evening and morning feedings (horses, not kids, though feeding the kids is critical as well)?  Try doing it when you are in a hotel a few miles away with a 11-month-old, 6-year-old, and 8-year-old all crashed out and desperately in need of the rest. And that's just the TIP of the iceberg.

We are also learning things this rodeo season that I didn't really account for -- Zela doesn't need to learn to ride better inasmuch as she needs to learn to rodeo better.  Getting her head in the game, knowing what she needs to do, and to quit trying to run her old horse so danged fast and just concentrate on riding him well are all skills we're acquiring.  I think we may have had a breakthrough, though.  Time will tell, and so will her next clock times... 

How I became a Christian will require its own post and a lot more in depth thought and pondering.  Stay tuned.

I finally figured out a trick to get my cloth diapers stink-free!  Just pre-wash them to get anything funky out and then wash them with a load of whites -- and I mean a really huge honkin' load of whites that only a family of eight could amass!  Hot water plus tons of clothes to bump around and agitate and scrub things equals clean smelling diapers!  I've always washed my diapers alone, and every couple of washes, they ended up smelling just a little funky.  I threw the stinky inserts into a load of whites last night to rewash them and they came out smelling new, and I used no different combination of detergents than I otherwise use on the diapers!  Who knew it'd be that easy? 

I'll skip over the other random thoughts and end with why I'd love to open a gym or training center or SOMETHING in Limon.  It's really kind of two-fold.  You see, I've always wanted to hire a trainer who would be more like a drill sergeant, but love me at the same time.  If Jillian Michaels had a soft side, I'd want her to move in with me.  I need someone to believe in me, encourage me, tell me what to do, and then check in constantly to make sure I'm doing it!  In the past, whenever I was working out, I automatically ate better because I didn't want to die in the gym or on the road because of poor nutrition.   The second part of this two-fold dream is the fact that I love to encourage, inspire, and - honestly - boss other people around.  Sounds terrible, I know, but what can I say?  Honestly, I'd love to make a transformation so inspiring and encouraging that others would want to know what I know and do what I do.  I am good at hounding people the way that *I* would want to be hounded, so why not just stop imagining that someone like what I need exists and become that person? 

And there's my random thoughts for the day.  That is all.  :)

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Working in one's strengths

Dave Ramsey says to work in your strengths; that no amount of money will ever really be enough if you're working in a job that you hate.  I feel like he took the words out of my mouth, but he says it so much better than I.  In reality, I suppose he'd better -- he gets paid to say stuff like that and make people believe him enough to actually CHANGE! 

He's good.  It worked.  In fact, last night's class started some wheels in my mind turning.  I've always been thankful for my career for what it allows me to do, but I sometimes hate it, too.  The parts that I dislike are small things that I can typically overlook because the benefits so clearly outweigh them.  For instance, I work from home 100%.  Sometimes this means a flexible schedule and not missing my kids.  Other times it means isolation and never showering and getting dressed in a timely manner and therefore never really feeling anything other than frumpy.  I also work for live television.  Sometimes that means that I truly get paid to sit and watch TV for a living.  Other times it means that I sit on my butt and have to tune everyone and everything out to work the hours of day and week that everyone else is relaxing and enjoying time off (ie, weekends and holidays). 

If I could do anything I wanted with my time, assuming money was not an issue, there are so many things I'd do!  I'd love to be a midwife and lactation consultant.  I'd love to be a personal trainer and nutrition counselor.  I'd like to be a life coach.  I'd like to be a perpetual student and teacher all rolled into one.  I'd love public speaking.  I love writing.  I miss being on the stage, too.  I'd learn guitar.  I'd take vocal lessons.  There are so many things that I am very passionate about that have absolutely no time or place in my life right now because I'm too busy focusing on this great opportunity of a career so that I can be who and where my family needs me to be. 

Is that really okay?  Or am I rolling down a road headed towards burnout?  I know that I'm not feeding my soul with what I'm doing now... but I am feeding my family. 

I went on a jog with a neighbor this morning, and you know what I enjoyed even more than the fresh air, exercise, and conversation?  I enjoyed the inspiration and the coaching aspect of it.  I loved setting the time, place, picking the workout, and then cheering her on.  It made me want to run farther and harder than I would have if I were just doing it for myself.  So while I often get chastised (by myself and others) for always putting everyone ahead of my own needs, I have to realize that I am wired that way for a reason. 

I have always known that everything life has thrown my way has been for a specific purpose, and that is to help others along the same journey.  It's who I am.  And now it's time to find a way to integrate all of my professional skills and personal strengths into one amazing path.  I know that I can find fulfillment once I'm walking along the path that was predestined for me. 

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two in one day??

I, the perpetually infrequent blogger, am attempting something new -- TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!  I know, I know, it's unthinkable, right?  :)

I took about 30 minutes to do some yardwork today, and the sunlight, fresh air, and green things growing always makes me contemplate the deeper things in life.  You know, the things that don't revolve around diapers and sippy cups and little league baseball or junior rodeo.  The things that existed before I became what I am today -- a mommy.

Those things are so far removed from me most days that I forget they are even there.  Some of them are good, some are great, and some downright stink, but they all come together to paint the picture of me, Stacey Marie.

Here is one bad thing that I want to make a conscious effort to change:

I am not a strong finisher.  I rarely start a project and see it through until its completion.  In fact, I tend to do just the opposite.  I start strong, go hard, and fizzle out just before it's all the way done.  I do this in most every area of my life!  With laundry, I start it, dry it, fold it...  start some more, dry some more, fold some more.  Start some more, dry some more...  Then somehow something else has my attention and I inevitably leave a wet load in the wash, a dry and wrinkling load in the dryer, and myriads of folded laundry stashed on top of the dryer, in baskets, on my couch, or in my window seat.

When I cook, I shop, chop, steam, broil, bake, serve, and eat.  I rarely clear the table and clean the whole kitchen after the meal.  I *WANT* it to be done, and I believe it's how it should be done, but I don't do it.  I just let it stress me out that it's not done.

When I start a yard project, I do just that.  I start it.  I start closet projects.  I start remodeling projects.  I start scrapbooks.  I start diets.  I start exercise plans.  I start bible studies.  I start mommy groups.

I want to be a finisher.  I will work on this.

And to balance out the thought process, one great thing about me that I want to make sure stays around forever is my positive outlook on life.  I am constantly looking for the silver lining and make certain that whatever happens in my life that doesn't take me down builds me up.  I like living this way -- otherwise, I'd be so defeated, bitter, and angry at the cards life has dealt me that I'd die lonely and alone.  I like being positive, uplifting, strong and happy.  :)

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no secret formula

You know, there are exactly TWO reasons why I'm currently 65lbs overweight.

First, I eat too much.  I eat too much healthy food.  I eat too much fast food.  I eat too much salty, sweet, fresh, cooked, organic, fried, paleo, vegan, EFL, and diet-out-the-window food.  I often don't really think that I do, but I do.

Second, I don't move enough.  I have a sedentary job, and I'm always functioning on a sleep deficit.  I'm not active and athletic, as somehow I seem to believe that I am.  I sit.  I sleep.  I stand.  I cook.  I drive.  I parent.  I watch from the sidelines.  I may be evolutionarily evolved to be this creature that walks, hunts, gathers, and runs from predators, but I'm not doing ANY of that right now.

And the possible third reason?  Well, it's a lot of things all rolled into one: EXCUSES.  I often let myself fall into this victim mentality where I feel deprived.  I feel like I've never gotten to have the things that I want.  I let myself think that when I can get something for myself, I should.  The biggest thing that I do let myself have when I "shouldn't" is food.  Fast food, specifically.  I have discovered that I don't know how to deny myself food.  It's crazy, because I'm so good at denying myself in every other area of life, but if I want/need/wish to enjoy crappy food, I "treat" myself because I can and because I enjoy it.

I study nutrition.  I know how to eat.  I know how to listen to my body.  I know food combining, the scientific process of protein or fat vs. carbohydrate metabolism.  I know that food is fuel for our bodies.  I know how to pick wisely.

I also know how to obsess and let food rule my day -- my life, even.    I plan my  meals and meal times.  I figure out what and when to eat so that I don't slip up.  When I'm watching the scale, I'm measuring morsels and weighing bites and thinking about what would be GOOD for me to consume.  I enslave myself to my diet and try to figure out why I'm so hungry and how to work around it.  I get up early and stay up late to plan menus and grocery lists.  And after about two weeks, I get fed up with how it consumes my life that I give up and stop planning and really... stop caring.  Then I start grabbing fast food (grilled chicken and diet soda) because my time is suddenly eaten up with taking care of everything I let slack when I was ruled by my diet.  Laundry, organization, work, bills, kids, etc.  I find myself in this loop over and over and over and over.

I really just want it to be as simple as eat less, move more.  I really want to be active and fit and athletic and strong.  I really just want to eat when I'm hungry and make good choices whenever that time is with whatever I have available.  I want to live my life, eat good food, and be active.  I'm on a quest to find this balance.  I know that I have to balance every area in my life and allow me to take care of me in an area other than diet and exercise, though, or it'll all unravel in about two weeks' time.

No answers or real epiphanies here in this blog.  Just cold hard facts that I'm facing.  Thanks for enjoying the ride with me, folks.

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I like think of myself as a "crispy" momma, but depending upon which friend of mine you ask, my crispness varies.  To my more mainstream friends I am the crunchiest person they know!  Some are just waiting for me to announce that we are going off the grid or switching to only rainwater for household use, but to many of my hardcore crunchy mommas I am barely toasty.

It often seems in the world of crunchy parenting that it can quickly morph into this "how crunchy are you" competition.  Most get thrown into this face-off by making one or two crunchy choices, and all of a sudden, to their mainstream friends, they are "that mom."  You know, the crunchy, free-spirited mom flashing peace signs wearing tie dye and burning her bra.  For me, those choices were homebirth and breastfeeding past 12 months.  Once inside this world, I quickly realized to most I was just mildly toasty.


Over time my parenting has grown, morphed and shifted.  I have adopted a lot of the crunchy parenting ideals, but I am far from the perfect picture of crunchiness. There really are a lot of ways where I'm just as mainstream as anyone else.  Want some confessions?

I am crunchy but --

... We are big milk drinkers in our home! We go through milk like it's water.  REAL milk, from a COW!  GASP!!  I can feel the hard core crunchies trying to not loose their lunch right now at the mere thought of real dairy.  Yeah, we like that white stuff from a cow, and we go through a gallon every two or three days. 
I tried being a good crunchy and buying organic, but that lasted less than a month.  A regular gallon of milk costs an average of four bucks; we need one about every few days.  Organic milk runs (depending upon the brand AND store) $4-$6 for half a gallon!  That doubled the amount we were spending, and on a budget as tight as ours, we just can't afford that.

 ... We eat fast food.  I sometimes think it's frequent, but that's really all perspective isn't it?  We do some sort of fast food, usually McDonald's or Pizza Hut, once every two or three weeks on average.  If I am being 100% honest, we would probably eat out more often if finances allowed for it.  I know it's bad for you and part of the problem with America, but I also get very lazy in the kitchen.  After working in my office in my home, basically attached to the kitchen, and feeding faces all day every day inside of these four walls, sometimes the very last thing I want to do is cook and clean up after another meal.  And let's face it -- McDonald's fries are darn good!

... I also buy prepackaged foods.  I fully support transparency and labeling of products so I can at least try better to avoid GMOs and other "evil" ingredients, but for now, we can't afford to buy organic all the time.  I buy what I can when I can.  I try to be smart and read the labels, but sometimes I just have to close my eyes and pretend like I never heard of GMOs or partially hydrogenated oils or MSG.  There are some things I just don't make myself, such as spaghetti sauce and taco seasoning.  I cook from scratch and shop at farmer's markets, but I still buy Kraft mac & cheese.

There is so much more that the REAL crunchies could judge me on.  I don't homeschool.  I send my kids to the evil, state-run, mind leaching, identity stealing thing called public school and they love it!  I don't vaccinate, but I do medicate if there are some gnarly symptoms going on.  I don't boycott Nestle; In fact, I've used the evil powder in a can made by that evil empire because it's the only one that doesn't stink!  Oh yeah, I've used formula when sick or stuck working an extra hour and the milk supply in the freezer is gone.  We watch TV.  In fact, we watch Disney movies with princesses and heroes and bad guys.  We have gender role toys like trucks and dolls.  We cloth diaper, but I'm not afraid of a disposable.  I won't use momma cloth or family cloth.  I use Tide!  I haven't found another natural alternative that actually gets my family's grime out!  I wear deodorant and use fluoride toothpaste.  Should I hand over my natural parent card now? 

So really, you see, I'm not THAT crunchy.  Again, though, it's all about perspective.  Now hand over the french fries and green smoothie.  :)

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eye opener

I had an eye opening experience today that made me really check myself and realize just how harsh of a critic I am... on ME.

I admire my friends.  I think they're awesome, smart, talented, and... well?  Beautiful.  I don't have a single friend that I don't see inner and outer beauty shining through.  MOST of the time I definitely think of myself as either the *fat* friend, or the *funny* friend, but never the pretty friend.  I really do think every one of my close friends are so much prettier, healthier, and, well, just plain cooler than I.

Really, I'm okay with that.  I don't need to be over-confident or smug or stuck up, even.  But I don't need to keep looking in the fun-house mirror in my mind.  For the longest time I was in denial about how overweight I am.  I didn't look at myself, I didn't shop for myself, and I just pretended not to care.  Then I had to face the cold hard facts that I am more than 50lbs overweight -- obese, even.  I'm not living in the body that I know and love.  I'm not taking care of it, and it's not loving me back.  But boy did I have a warped sense of self-worth.

I'm not hideous.  I'm not a whale.  I'm not disgusting.  I'm not completely healthy, but I'm not the mouth-breather at the gas station who can't keep his breath just STANDING.  I've got room for improvement, but I'm not as far gone as I thought.

I was just given a TRUCKLOAD of clothes that one of my dearest friends has recently and gloriously shrunk out of.  I've always thought she was beautiful, and I'm truly happy for her success in weight loss.  While going through the clothes today, a few familiar pieces sparked some memories of times I spent with her.  I could vividly remember how she looked when she wore them, and do you know what that memory was?  It was of beauty; I clearly remember my friend.  What I don't remember is fat or lumpy or bumpy or frumpy.  What I do remember pretty and put together.

I tried them on.  They fit!  And I had an a-ha moment.

I need to learn to give myself the same grace that I give others.  I need to see the beauty in myself that I see in the world.  I need to be as positive and uplifting to ME as I am to my friends.  I need to stop hating myself while I am preaching love, light, and positivity to the world.  I know my shape and problem areas are not the same as my friend's, but I wonder if others see me more like I saw her and less like I see myself...

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Goals

I've always known and believed that goals are dreams with deadlines -- but I think that's been half of my problem.  My visualizer has been kind of broken lately.  I'm in a size 16 jeans, at least 60lbs overweight, and mentally stuck.  I cannot imagine losing ALL of the weight.  I cannot picture what my body would and could look like when I follow through.  In my mind, I'm the fat mom because I've let myself down so many times with setting goals, really BELIEVING in them, but somehow not following through time and time again.  In my mind, I'm stuck.  I look at size 6 jeans and think..  HA.  My body isn't built like that.  I have all of this negative thinking that I need to rid myself of and really, truly believe in the power to change. 

But honestly, I'm not quite sure how to do that anymore.  So I'm here.  I'm trusting the process and putting it all out there and I'm along for the ride -- however bumpy and tough it is.  And I'm reaching out for help, support, encouragement, and accountability.  I don't just need it when I'm HERE, because when I'm HERE, I'm dialed in and doing well.  It's when I'm not here that I'm slipping.  It's when I slack one day that I start the downward descent.  I need help to stay the course and not give up and have to start over for the 5,792,845th time. 

Here are three goals that I'm going to read and visualize daily:

1.) By my youngest son's 1st birthday (June 15), I will be rid of at least 35lbs of body fat, putting me at 175 and size 11 jeans.  At 5'9", this will still be a little overweight, but not obese!!  This will be a great starting point for the next challenge!

2.) Instead of greasy fast food, I'll have healthy fast food if I do truly run out of time.  I have a bunch of boxes of Right Light begging to be drank, and I will!  Fast food is not who I want to write the future tale of my children's health, so I will not set that example anymore! 

3.) I will make time for 30 minutes of exercise a day.  Period.  No excuses.  I can find 30 minutes even if I do have six kids, two dogs, a cat, two horses, overtime work, and a messy house.  I NEED to find time for exercise so that I can keep up with all of these things.  Bill has proven that 30 minutes a day can not only be effective, but can change your life!  I'll put it to the test!

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can!

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continuing saga

so, i kinda took the weekend of from anything, really.  caring, eating, moving, etc.  LOL.  i did do some thinking and got through some rough patches emotionally, and today, i'm back on track.  it seems like i'm constantly re-evaluating, thinking, and figuring out how to make this work.  and i figure as long as i'm truly TRYING to figure out this magic combination that my metabolism has set, then i haven't failed yet.  i'm a work in progress, and i'm learning to not only like me a little in the process, but to actually enjoy the process, too.  it's not easy and i have more days than not that i really hate where i'm at physically, mentally, and emotionally, but i figure if i balance it with enough positivity and hard work that i'll get there, right?

one of the conclusions i've come to is that in order to be happy, i NEED to work out.  not only do i need the endorphine rush that comes from moving my butt, but i also NEED the freedom to splurge one day a week. 

if i'm going to have a few cocktails, eat a few carbs, have a dessert, and really truly not count on free days, then i have got to build some muscle mass to keep the furnace going.  and i only need to take one day off from planned exercise, too.  not saturday AND sunday.  i figure sunday will be my less structured workout day, but it will still be active.  and who knows?  saturday may be, too, but it doesn't HAVE to be.

i enjoy running the most... outside.  i really want to train for races like 5 and 10ks and the obstacle course type things, but i've been using the weather as an excuse not to work out.  and i've whined to myself that i hate doing videos and i never stick to them, blah blah blah.  but i'm going to do dvds on days that i cannot get outside.  and i'll do them anywhere between 10 am and 1pm so that it's OVER with.  i have my grubby little paws on a copy of insanity, but honestly... it scares the bejesus out of me.  it's hard as ducks!  haha.  and it's  hard on the knees.  but i have a feeling that that program over insanity would make me push myself a little more.  it's just body weight exercises versus PULL-UPS!  omg, i can't heave 215lbs up over a bar with my weak girly arms!

i want to be able to, though.  i do i do.  :)

i'm babbling.  i'm glad y'all know me and love me.  this is my mini brain storm session.

so here's the magic formula i've figured out that works for me when i'm not exercising -- no more than 100 grams of carbs and at least 100 grams of protein per day.  i figure i'll allow myself an extra 30 carbs a day on days BEFORE longer cardio days (like a jog day or a kickass insanity day (um...  all insanity days are kickass....).  i'm also going to cut the creamer out of my morning coffee and just go with regular old half and half.  i'll let myself have one BIG sweetened mug of joe in the evenings as i start my work shift.

one more BIG change for me?  i'm honestly honestly honestly only going to look at my WEIGHT once a week.  FOR REALS!  it doesn't mean that i won't weigh in on the Wii Fit, but i'll only look at the BMI number, not the weight number.  i truly am making myself insane with the daily weighing and seeing the lowest numbers and then seeing it go up the next day.  and then weekend bloat and days after PMS or not enough water or all the other little variables.  i would have been somewhat satisfied with last week's loss of a pound (okay, not REALLY, but kinda), but i was more unhappy with it than i needed to be because i had seen a number two pounds lower than that just two days before.  and if i'm going to be honest with you guys (i always am), it gave me a defeated attitude which fueled the "i don't give a damn" attitude i had this weekend.

and one more small change -- if i have a cocktail at home, it's only wine.  i over-indulge in hard alcohol way too easily.  i metabolize things so slowly that by the time my brain has registered how i feel, i've already consumed two to three times as much as i need.  i like beer in the summer, but i'm eh on it in the winter when i'm cold.  and i like mike's hard lemonade (cranberry or peach), but OMG, the calories i had in the six i had this weekend were more calories than i consume on a regular day!!!!  so no more sugary sweet cocktails at home, either.  if i have a  night out with you girls, then that's different, but here if i just want one to unwind, it'll be a glass (or three) of wine and only once a week.

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What if Wednesday

So... 

What if I start something and STICK to it?  What if I don't give up on me?  What if I don't make excuses?  What if I keep doing it, even when it's not convenient?  What if it gets hard, but I keep on?  What if this is my new life?

What if I'm not the fat girl anymore?  What if I stop hating my body?  What if I believe in my abilities?

What if I practice what I preach?  What if I loved myself as much as I love those around me?

What if?

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