maybe it's because i grew up believing that no one kept their word. my parents divorced and family members abused me. boyfriends cheated. friends betrayed.
maybe it's because i went through a long stint of being dishonest, myself.
maybe i'm just born cynical.
who knows what it is, but i second guess EVERYTHING. i research, double check, and verify everything i am told and everything that i read. unless i can make it MAKE SENSE to me in some way or another, i don't buy it. it has to make some logical sense to me, or i toss it to the mental curb like yesterday's garbage gossip.
weird physical symptoms pointing to one event that occurred over 15 years ago? it's a little bit of a far reach for me, but yet i was able to wrap my brain around it. while i was in high school got a mysterious bug bite, followed by this crazy bull's eye rash on my inner thigh. my parents thought it was a spider bite and were waiting for red streaks to go shooting up or down my leg or the center to necrose before seeking help. neither happened, so there was no need for a doctor. i don't remember any specific symptoms at the time other than a high school career filled with insane headaches and my dad thinking i was crazy and faking it and wanting to come home just for a headache. i don't remember a single time i went to a doctor or a dentist when i was in high school. not once. i should celebrate being healthy, right?
however, as i've gotten older (and heavier), i've had more and more symptoms flare up that make me feel that getting old SUCKS or that something possible *IS* wrong with me. or both. :)
i've never not believed that i contracted lyme disease all those years back. and in the back of my mind, i've often wondered if these annoying little symptoms were not related to that crazy rash. but i am also thankful for all that my body has and continues to do for me. i've birthed three beautifully healthy children. i've enjoyed stints of pretending to be a runner. i've climbed and hiked mountains. i've traveled. i have a great career and an amazing husband. i could go on and on. i'm not really limited in enjoying my life. i don't feel SICK. i constantly remind my children to be thankful for what they have rather than to complain about what they don't... so it's difficult for me to really focus on little symptoms and want to ask for help.
me? ask for help? ha! i'll blame that on being independent.
short list of symptoms, you ask? well, i get migraines and tension headaches pretty regularly. 3-4 a week, and most times ibuprofen won't even touch the pain. my neck aches daily, and if you rub it, it cracks under your fingers. my pelvis hurts right in the pubis symphasis, and has since early pregnancy, but mostly only in the mornings after i've been lying on my side throughout the night. my joints in my ankles and toes ache when i get up in the morning and my knees are stiff. after i've been moving around, it all gets to my level of normal, which is crack and popping and occasional pains, but nothing too bad. i get these crazy hives that come and go with no apparent rhyme or reason. when i'm feeling particularly itchy, if i scratch myself, a welt will pop up in the exact form that my fingernails scratched. i get dizzy. my heart skips a beat (regular arythmia), and my blood pressure is randomly extremely low. i have 2-3 boughts of reflux a week, accompanied by really attractive belches. i ebb and flow with low iron, low vitamin d, rising tsh (thyroid hormone) levels, fatigue, night sweats, tremors, and brain fog. what's the brain fog, you ask? often when i wake up in the morning and i try to recall conversations, i can only do so with holes in my memory of them. it's as though i had a bit too much wine the night before, when i know that the strongest drink i had was water on the rocks. i can remember asking a question but cannot recall if the question has been answered at all. i can remember the gist of a conversation without being able to really remember it. i often wonder how annoying, random, or sometimes drunk i seemed to whomever i was conversing with. i also struggle with organization. i have great vision for how i want things, but i can't tell you how many times i have to turn around and come home when trying to leave for some event. i forget important things like wallet, car keys, paperwork, money, schedule, directions, etc. it took me hours to put this blog post together and make it seem not quite as disjointed as my brain is.... rabbit trails are far more frequent than major highways when it comes to how i handle and express information.
i should stop there. i said i would write a short list, but it goes on and on. but i hate making excuses, so i often don't talk about them. i tell myself that i should take my vitamins, eat better, and exercise more. i should make myself lists, i should get a good night's sleep on a more regular basis, and i should love myself and my life. and i do!! i really do.
but i'm holding on to this glimmer of hope that maybe i'm not just fat, lazy, and lame. MAYBE there's hope for a better life. maybe i can become a real runner and compete in races. perhaps I can climb to the very top of 14ers, instead of petering out at 13,000 feet. that i can run and play with my kids instead of dreaming of napping with the baby. that i can start something AND see it through to completion without losing focus. i'm hopeful that i won't be itchy all the time, that my hair will grow again (and fill back out). i'm hopeful that there is a true honest to god REASON that i struggle so much with weight and that even though it's hard work, that it's not THAT hard of work. i am clinging to all of those thoughts as i go down this path of treatment.
today is day 1, and i hope to chronicle this path. well, today was the first FULL day. i took two of three doses of doxycycline yesterday, and i've had two doses today along with half dose of samento and apo-heat (homeopathic helpers to make the antibiotics more effective). i slept 11 hours last night, from 10pm-9am. blaise was a little saint to allow that! i started going downhill in the energy department around 3:00, but that's not unusual. i'm ready for a nap right now and my vision is blurry. in fact, if i still had my glasses, i'd be wearing them right now. i ate a late breakfast and a late lunch with only about four hours in between, and by the time it was lunch time, i was shaking so badly that i could hardly get the fork to my mouth for the first couple of bites. i need to drink more water. the skin on my face almost feels tingly... it's hard to explain, really. kind of like when you've had one glass of wine on an empty stomach? not sure what it is with me and wine references today! i'm itchy itchy itchy today with random hives popping up and disappearing. and i've been kind of down and lonely. here's to day two tomorrow!
and don't expect daily updates to be consistent. i might start out strong and fizzle out, only to come back again. it's kind of how i roll. that, i hope, will change as well.
maybe it's because i went through a long stint of being dishonest, myself.
maybe i'm just born cynical.
who knows what it is, but i second guess EVERYTHING. i research, double check, and verify everything i am told and everything that i read. unless i can make it MAKE SENSE to me in some way or another, i don't buy it. it has to make some logical sense to me, or i toss it to the mental curb like yesterday's garbage gossip.
weird physical symptoms pointing to one event that occurred over 15 years ago? it's a little bit of a far reach for me, but yet i was able to wrap my brain around it. while i was in high school got a mysterious bug bite, followed by this crazy bull's eye rash on my inner thigh. my parents thought it was a spider bite and were waiting for red streaks to go shooting up or down my leg or the center to necrose before seeking help. neither happened, so there was no need for a doctor. i don't remember any specific symptoms at the time other than a high school career filled with insane headaches and my dad thinking i was crazy and faking it and wanting to come home just for a headache. i don't remember a single time i went to a doctor or a dentist when i was in high school. not once. i should celebrate being healthy, right?
however, as i've gotten older (and heavier), i've had more and more symptoms flare up that make me feel that getting old SUCKS or that something possible *IS* wrong with me. or both. :)
i've never not believed that i contracted lyme disease all those years back. and in the back of my mind, i've often wondered if these annoying little symptoms were not related to that crazy rash. but i am also thankful for all that my body has and continues to do for me. i've birthed three beautifully healthy children. i've enjoyed stints of pretending to be a runner. i've climbed and hiked mountains. i've traveled. i have a great career and an amazing husband. i could go on and on. i'm not really limited in enjoying my life. i don't feel SICK. i constantly remind my children to be thankful for what they have rather than to complain about what they don't... so it's difficult for me to really focus on little symptoms and want to ask for help.
me? ask for help? ha! i'll blame that on being independent.
short list of symptoms, you ask? well, i get migraines and tension headaches pretty regularly. 3-4 a week, and most times ibuprofen won't even touch the pain. my neck aches daily, and if you rub it, it cracks under your fingers. my pelvis hurts right in the pubis symphasis, and has since early pregnancy, but mostly only in the mornings after i've been lying on my side throughout the night. my joints in my ankles and toes ache when i get up in the morning and my knees are stiff. after i've been moving around, it all gets to my level of normal, which is crack and popping and occasional pains, but nothing too bad. i get these crazy hives that come and go with no apparent rhyme or reason. when i'm feeling particularly itchy, if i scratch myself, a welt will pop up in the exact form that my fingernails scratched. i get dizzy. my heart skips a beat (regular arythmia), and my blood pressure is randomly extremely low. i have 2-3 boughts of reflux a week, accompanied by really attractive belches. i ebb and flow with low iron, low vitamin d, rising tsh (thyroid hormone) levels, fatigue, night sweats, tremors, and brain fog. what's the brain fog, you ask? often when i wake up in the morning and i try to recall conversations, i can only do so with holes in my memory of them. it's as though i had a bit too much wine the night before, when i know that the strongest drink i had was water on the rocks. i can remember asking a question but cannot recall if the question has been answered at all. i can remember the gist of a conversation without being able to really remember it. i often wonder how annoying, random, or sometimes drunk i seemed to whomever i was conversing with. i also struggle with organization. i have great vision for how i want things, but i can't tell you how many times i have to turn around and come home when trying to leave for some event. i forget important things like wallet, car keys, paperwork, money, schedule, directions, etc. it took me hours to put this blog post together and make it seem not quite as disjointed as my brain is.... rabbit trails are far more frequent than major highways when it comes to how i handle and express information.
i should stop there. i said i would write a short list, but it goes on and on. but i hate making excuses, so i often don't talk about them. i tell myself that i should take my vitamins, eat better, and exercise more. i should make myself lists, i should get a good night's sleep on a more regular basis, and i should love myself and my life. and i do!! i really do.
but i'm holding on to this glimmer of hope that maybe i'm not just fat, lazy, and lame. MAYBE there's hope for a better life. maybe i can become a real runner and compete in races. perhaps I can climb to the very top of 14ers, instead of petering out at 13,000 feet. that i can run and play with my kids instead of dreaming of napping with the baby. that i can start something AND see it through to completion without losing focus. i'm hopeful that i won't be itchy all the time, that my hair will grow again (and fill back out). i'm hopeful that there is a true honest to god REASON that i struggle so much with weight and that even though it's hard work, that it's not THAT hard of work. i am clinging to all of those thoughts as i go down this path of treatment.
today is day 1, and i hope to chronicle this path. well, today was the first FULL day. i took two of three doses of doxycycline yesterday, and i've had two doses today along with half dose of samento and apo-heat (homeopathic helpers to make the antibiotics more effective). i slept 11 hours last night, from 10pm-9am. blaise was a little saint to allow that! i started going downhill in the energy department around 3:00, but that's not unusual. i'm ready for a nap right now and my vision is blurry. in fact, if i still had my glasses, i'd be wearing them right now. i ate a late breakfast and a late lunch with only about four hours in between, and by the time it was lunch time, i was shaking so badly that i could hardly get the fork to my mouth for the first couple of bites. i need to drink more water. the skin on my face almost feels tingly... it's hard to explain, really. kind of like when you've had one glass of wine on an empty stomach? not sure what it is with me and wine references today! i'm itchy itchy itchy today with random hives popping up and disappearing. and i've been kind of down and lonely. here's to day two tomorrow!
and don't expect daily updates to be consistent. i might start out strong and fizzle out, only to come back again. it's kind of how i roll. that, i hope, will change as well.
