Thursday, March 8, 2012

I like think of myself as a "crispy" momma, but depending upon which friend of mine you ask, my crispness varies.  To my more mainstream friends I am the crunchiest person they know!  Some are just waiting for me to announce that we are going off the grid or switching to only rainwater for household use, but to many of my hardcore crunchy mommas I am barely toasty.

It often seems in the world of crunchy parenting that it can quickly morph into this "how crunchy are you" competition.  Most get thrown into this face-off by making one or two crunchy choices, and all of a sudden, to their mainstream friends, they are "that mom."  You know, the crunchy, free-spirited mom flashing peace signs wearing tie dye and burning her bra.  For me, those choices were homebirth and breastfeeding past 12 months.  Once inside this world, I quickly realized to most I was just mildly toasty.


Over time my parenting has grown, morphed and shifted.  I have adopted a lot of the crunchy parenting ideals, but I am far from the perfect picture of crunchiness. There really are a lot of ways where I'm just as mainstream as anyone else.  Want some confessions?

I am crunchy but --

... We are big milk drinkers in our home! We go through milk like it's water.  REAL milk, from a COW!  GASP!!  I can feel the hard core crunchies trying to not loose their lunch right now at the mere thought of real dairy.  Yeah, we like that white stuff from a cow, and we go through a gallon every two or three days. 
I tried being a good crunchy and buying organic, but that lasted less than a month.  A regular gallon of milk costs an average of four bucks; we need one about every few days.  Organic milk runs (depending upon the brand AND store) $4-$6 for half a gallon!  That doubled the amount we were spending, and on a budget as tight as ours, we just can't afford that.

 ... We eat fast food.  I sometimes think it's frequent, but that's really all perspective isn't it?  We do some sort of fast food, usually McDonald's or Pizza Hut, once every two or three weeks on average.  If I am being 100% honest, we would probably eat out more often if finances allowed for it.  I know it's bad for you and part of the problem with America, but I also get very lazy in the kitchen.  After working in my office in my home, basically attached to the kitchen, and feeding faces all day every day inside of these four walls, sometimes the very last thing I want to do is cook and clean up after another meal.  And let's face it -- McDonald's fries are darn good!

... I also buy prepackaged foods.  I fully support transparency and labeling of products so I can at least try better to avoid GMOs and other "evil" ingredients, but for now, we can't afford to buy organic all the time.  I buy what I can when I can.  I try to be smart and read the labels, but sometimes I just have to close my eyes and pretend like I never heard of GMOs or partially hydrogenated oils or MSG.  There are some things I just don't make myself, such as spaghetti sauce and taco seasoning.  I cook from scratch and shop at farmer's markets, but I still buy Kraft mac & cheese.

There is so much more that the REAL crunchies could judge me on.  I don't homeschool.  I send my kids to the evil, state-run, mind leaching, identity stealing thing called public school and they love it!  I don't vaccinate, but I do medicate if there are some gnarly symptoms going on.  I don't boycott Nestle; In fact, I've used the evil powder in a can made by that evil empire because it's the only one that doesn't stink!  Oh yeah, I've used formula when sick or stuck working an extra hour and the milk supply in the freezer is gone.  We watch TV.  In fact, we watch Disney movies with princesses and heroes and bad guys.  We have gender role toys like trucks and dolls.  We cloth diaper, but I'm not afraid of a disposable.  I won't use momma cloth or family cloth.  I use Tide!  I haven't found another natural alternative that actually gets my family's grime out!  I wear deodorant and use fluoride toothpaste.  Should I hand over my natural parent card now? 

So really, you see, I'm not THAT crunchy.  Again, though, it's all about perspective.  Now hand over the french fries and green smoothie.  :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

eye opener

I had an eye opening experience today that made me really check myself and realize just how harsh of a critic I am... on ME.

I admire my friends.  I think they're awesome, smart, talented, and... well?  Beautiful.  I don't have a single friend that I don't see inner and outer beauty shining through.  MOST of the time I definitely think of myself as either the *fat* friend, or the *funny* friend, but never the pretty friend.  I really do think every one of my close friends are so much prettier, healthier, and, well, just plain cooler than I.

Really, I'm okay with that.  I don't need to be over-confident or smug or stuck up, even.  But I don't need to keep looking in the fun-house mirror in my mind.  For the longest time I was in denial about how overweight I am.  I didn't look at myself, I didn't shop for myself, and I just pretended not to care.  Then I had to face the cold hard facts that I am more than 50lbs overweight -- obese, even.  I'm not living in the body that I know and love.  I'm not taking care of it, and it's not loving me back.  But boy did I have a warped sense of self-worth.

I'm not hideous.  I'm not a whale.  I'm not disgusting.  I'm not completely healthy, but I'm not the mouth-breather at the gas station who can't keep his breath just STANDING.  I've got room for improvement, but I'm not as far gone as I thought.

I was just given a TRUCKLOAD of clothes that one of my dearest friends has recently and gloriously shrunk out of.  I've always thought she was beautiful, and I'm truly happy for her success in weight loss.  While going through the clothes today, a few familiar pieces sparked some memories of times I spent with her.  I could vividly remember how she looked when she wore them, and do you know what that memory was?  It was of beauty; I clearly remember my friend.  What I don't remember is fat or lumpy or bumpy or frumpy.  What I do remember pretty and put together.

I tried them on.  They fit!  And I had an a-ha moment.

I need to learn to give myself the same grace that I give others.  I need to see the beauty in myself that I see in the world.  I need to be as positive and uplifting to ME as I am to my friends.  I need to stop hating myself while I am preaching love, light, and positivity to the world.  I know my shape and problem areas are not the same as my friend's, but I wonder if others see me more like I saw her and less like I see myself...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Goals

I've always known and believed that goals are dreams with deadlines -- but I think that's been half of my problem.  My visualizer has been kind of broken lately.  I'm in a size 16 jeans, at least 60lbs overweight, and mentally stuck.  I cannot imagine losing ALL of the weight.  I cannot picture what my body would and could look like when I follow through.  In my mind, I'm the fat mom because I've let myself down so many times with setting goals, really BELIEVING in them, but somehow not following through time and time again.  In my mind, I'm stuck.  I look at size 6 jeans and think..  HA.  My body isn't built like that.  I have all of this negative thinking that I need to rid myself of and really, truly believe in the power to change. 

But honestly, I'm not quite sure how to do that anymore.  So I'm here.  I'm trusting the process and putting it all out there and I'm along for the ride -- however bumpy and tough it is.  And I'm reaching out for help, support, encouragement, and accountability.  I don't just need it when I'm HERE, because when I'm HERE, I'm dialed in and doing well.  It's when I'm not here that I'm slipping.  It's when I slack one day that I start the downward descent.  I need help to stay the course and not give up and have to start over for the 5,792,845th time. 

Here are three goals that I'm going to read and visualize daily:

1.) By my youngest son's 1st birthday (June 15), I will be rid of at least 35lbs of body fat, putting me at 175 and size 11 jeans.  At 5'9", this will still be a little overweight, but not obese!!  This will be a great starting point for the next challenge!

2.) Instead of greasy fast food, I'll have healthy fast food if I do truly run out of time.  I have a bunch of boxes of Right Light begging to be drank, and I will!  Fast food is not who I want to write the future tale of my children's health, so I will not set that example anymore! 

3.) I will make time for 30 minutes of exercise a day.  Period.  No excuses.  I can find 30 minutes even if I do have six kids, two dogs, a cat, two horses, overtime work, and a messy house.  I NEED to find time for exercise so that I can keep up with all of these things.  Bill has proven that 30 minutes a day can not only be effective, but can change your life!  I'll put it to the test!

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can!