eye opener

I had an eye opening experience today that made me really check myself and realize just how harsh of a critic I am... on ME.

I admire my friends.  I think they're awesome, smart, talented, and... well?  Beautiful.  I don't have a single friend that I don't see inner and outer beauty shining through.  MOST of the time I definitely think of myself as either the *fat* friend, or the *funny* friend, but never the pretty friend.  I really do think every one of my close friends are so much prettier, healthier, and, well, just plain cooler than I.

Really, I'm okay with that.  I don't need to be over-confident or smug or stuck up, even.  But I don't need to keep looking in the fun-house mirror in my mind.  For the longest time I was in denial about how overweight I am.  I didn't look at myself, I didn't shop for myself, and I just pretended not to care.  Then I had to face the cold hard facts that I am more than 50lbs overweight -- obese, even.  I'm not living in the body that I know and love.  I'm not taking care of it, and it's not loving me back.  But boy did I have a warped sense of self-worth.

I'm not hideous.  I'm not a whale.  I'm not disgusting.  I'm not completely healthy, but I'm not the mouth-breather at the gas station who can't keep his breath just STANDING.  I've got room for improvement, but I'm not as far gone as I thought.

I was just given a TRUCKLOAD of clothes that one of my dearest friends has recently and gloriously shrunk out of.  I've always thought she was beautiful, and I'm truly happy for her success in weight loss.  While going through the clothes today, a few familiar pieces sparked some memories of times I spent with her.  I could vividly remember how she looked when she wore them, and do you know what that memory was?  It was of beauty; I clearly remember my friend.  What I don't remember is fat or lumpy or bumpy or frumpy.  What I do remember pretty and put together.

I tried them on.  They fit!  And I had an a-ha moment.

I need to learn to give myself the same grace that I give others.  I need to see the beauty in myself that I see in the world.  I need to be as positive and uplifting to ME as I am to my friends.  I need to stop hating myself while I am preaching love, light, and positivity to the world.  I know my shape and problem areas are not the same as my friend's, but I wonder if others see me more like I saw her and less like I see myself...