random ramblings

I have meant to sit and write a post about rodeo, about how I became a Christian, cloth diapering, being a stepparent, cooking for eight, being a closed captioner, and about my dream to open a training center in my tiny hometown. 

Somehow life got in the way.

First, I'll touch on being a totally new rodeo mom.  Man, is it tough.  Soccer moms, you have it easy!  There are so many responsibilities and chores involved in a of weekend rodeos that I never really thought about before!  You cannot just drive in, compete, and ride away.  What about the evening and morning feedings (horses, not kids, though feeding the kids is critical as well)?  Try doing it when you are in a hotel a few miles away with a 11-month-old, 6-year-old, and 8-year-old all crashed out and desperately in need of the rest. And that's just the TIP of the iceberg.

We are also learning things this rodeo season that I didn't really account for -- Zela doesn't need to learn to ride better inasmuch as she needs to learn to rodeo better.  Getting her head in the game, knowing what she needs to do, and to quit trying to run her old horse so danged fast and just concentrate on riding him well are all skills we're acquiring.  I think we may have had a breakthrough, though.  Time will tell, and so will her next clock times... 

How I became a Christian will require its own post and a lot more in depth thought and pondering.  Stay tuned.

I finally figured out a trick to get my cloth diapers stink-free!  Just pre-wash them to get anything funky out and then wash them with a load of whites -- and I mean a really huge honkin' load of whites that only a family of eight could amass!  Hot water plus tons of clothes to bump around and agitate and scrub things equals clean smelling diapers!  I've always washed my diapers alone, and every couple of washes, they ended up smelling just a little funky.  I threw the stinky inserts into a load of whites last night to rewash them and they came out smelling new, and I used no different combination of detergents than I otherwise use on the diapers!  Who knew it'd be that easy? 

I'll skip over the other random thoughts and end with why I'd love to open a gym or training center or SOMETHING in Limon.  It's really kind of two-fold.  You see, I've always wanted to hire a trainer who would be more like a drill sergeant, but love me at the same time.  If Jillian Michaels had a soft side, I'd want her to move in with me.  I need someone to believe in me, encourage me, tell me what to do, and then check in constantly to make sure I'm doing it!  In the past, whenever I was working out, I automatically ate better because I didn't want to die in the gym or on the road because of poor nutrition.   The second part of this two-fold dream is the fact that I love to encourage, inspire, and - honestly - boss other people around.  Sounds terrible, I know, but what can I say?  Honestly, I'd love to make a transformation so inspiring and encouraging that others would want to know what I know and do what I do.  I am good at hounding people the way that *I* would want to be hounded, so why not just stop imagining that someone like what I need exists and become that person? 

And there's my random thoughts for the day.  That is all.  :)

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Working in one's strengths

Dave Ramsey says to work in your strengths; that no amount of money will ever really be enough if you're working in a job that you hate.  I feel like he took the words out of my mouth, but he says it so much better than I.  In reality, I suppose he'd better -- he gets paid to say stuff like that and make people believe him enough to actually CHANGE! 

He's good.  It worked.  In fact, last night's class started some wheels in my mind turning.  I've always been thankful for my career for what it allows me to do, but I sometimes hate it, too.  The parts that I dislike are small things that I can typically overlook because the benefits so clearly outweigh them.  For instance, I work from home 100%.  Sometimes this means a flexible schedule and not missing my kids.  Other times it means isolation and never showering and getting dressed in a timely manner and therefore never really feeling anything other than frumpy.  I also work for live television.  Sometimes that means that I truly get paid to sit and watch TV for a living.  Other times it means that I sit on my butt and have to tune everyone and everything out to work the hours of day and week that everyone else is relaxing and enjoying time off (ie, weekends and holidays). 

If I could do anything I wanted with my time, assuming money was not an issue, there are so many things I'd do!  I'd love to be a midwife and lactation consultant.  I'd love to be a personal trainer and nutrition counselor.  I'd like to be a life coach.  I'd like to be a perpetual student and teacher all rolled into one.  I'd love public speaking.  I love writing.  I miss being on the stage, too.  I'd learn guitar.  I'd take vocal lessons.  There are so many things that I am very passionate about that have absolutely no time or place in my life right now because I'm too busy focusing on this great opportunity of a career so that I can be who and where my family needs me to be. 

Is that really okay?  Or am I rolling down a road headed towards burnout?  I know that I'm not feeding my soul with what I'm doing now... but I am feeding my family. 

I went on a jog with a neighbor this morning, and you know what I enjoyed even more than the fresh air, exercise, and conversation?  I enjoyed the inspiration and the coaching aspect of it.  I loved setting the time, place, picking the workout, and then cheering her on.  It made me want to run farther and harder than I would have if I were just doing it for myself.  So while I often get chastised (by myself and others) for always putting everyone ahead of my own needs, I have to realize that I am wired that way for a reason. 

I have always known that everything life has thrown my way has been for a specific purpose, and that is to help others along the same journey.  It's who I am.  And now it's time to find a way to integrate all of my professional skills and personal strengths into one amazing path.  I know that I can find fulfillment once I'm walking along the path that was predestined for me. 

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two in one day??

I, the perpetually infrequent blogger, am attempting something new -- TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!  I know, I know, it's unthinkable, right?  :)

I took about 30 minutes to do some yardwork today, and the sunlight, fresh air, and green things growing always makes me contemplate the deeper things in life.  You know, the things that don't revolve around diapers and sippy cups and little league baseball or junior rodeo.  The things that existed before I became what I am today -- a mommy.

Those things are so far removed from me most days that I forget they are even there.  Some of them are good, some are great, and some downright stink, but they all come together to paint the picture of me, Stacey Marie.

Here is one bad thing that I want to make a conscious effort to change:

I am not a strong finisher.  I rarely start a project and see it through until its completion.  In fact, I tend to do just the opposite.  I start strong, go hard, and fizzle out just before it's all the way done.  I do this in most every area of my life!  With laundry, I start it, dry it, fold it...  start some more, dry some more, fold some more.  Start some more, dry some more...  Then somehow something else has my attention and I inevitably leave a wet load in the wash, a dry and wrinkling load in the dryer, and myriads of folded laundry stashed on top of the dryer, in baskets, on my couch, or in my window seat.

When I cook, I shop, chop, steam, broil, bake, serve, and eat.  I rarely clear the table and clean the whole kitchen after the meal.  I *WANT* it to be done, and I believe it's how it should be done, but I don't do it.  I just let it stress me out that it's not done.

When I start a yard project, I do just that.  I start it.  I start closet projects.  I start remodeling projects.  I start scrapbooks.  I start diets.  I start exercise plans.  I start bible studies.  I start mommy groups.

I want to be a finisher.  I will work on this.

And to balance out the thought process, one great thing about me that I want to make sure stays around forever is my positive outlook on life.  I am constantly looking for the silver lining and make certain that whatever happens in my life that doesn't take me down builds me up.  I like living this way -- otherwise, I'd be so defeated, bitter, and angry at the cards life has dealt me that I'd die lonely and alone.  I like being positive, uplifting, strong and happy.  :)

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no secret formula

You know, there are exactly TWO reasons why I'm currently 65lbs overweight.

First, I eat too much.  I eat too much healthy food.  I eat too much fast food.  I eat too much salty, sweet, fresh, cooked, organic, fried, paleo, vegan, EFL, and diet-out-the-window food.  I often don't really think that I do, but I do.

Second, I don't move enough.  I have a sedentary job, and I'm always functioning on a sleep deficit.  I'm not active and athletic, as somehow I seem to believe that I am.  I sit.  I sleep.  I stand.  I cook.  I drive.  I parent.  I watch from the sidelines.  I may be evolutionarily evolved to be this creature that walks, hunts, gathers, and runs from predators, but I'm not doing ANY of that right now.

And the possible third reason?  Well, it's a lot of things all rolled into one: EXCUSES.  I often let myself fall into this victim mentality where I feel deprived.  I feel like I've never gotten to have the things that I want.  I let myself think that when I can get something for myself, I should.  The biggest thing that I do let myself have when I "shouldn't" is food.  Fast food, specifically.  I have discovered that I don't know how to deny myself food.  It's crazy, because I'm so good at denying myself in every other area of life, but if I want/need/wish to enjoy crappy food, I "treat" myself because I can and because I enjoy it.

I study nutrition.  I know how to eat.  I know how to listen to my body.  I know food combining, the scientific process of protein or fat vs. carbohydrate metabolism.  I know that food is fuel for our bodies.  I know how to pick wisely.

I also know how to obsess and let food rule my day -- my life, even.    I plan my  meals and meal times.  I figure out what and when to eat so that I don't slip up.  When I'm watching the scale, I'm measuring morsels and weighing bites and thinking about what would be GOOD for me to consume.  I enslave myself to my diet and try to figure out why I'm so hungry and how to work around it.  I get up early and stay up late to plan menus and grocery lists.  And after about two weeks, I get fed up with how it consumes my life that I give up and stop planning and really... stop caring.  Then I start grabbing fast food (grilled chicken and diet soda) because my time is suddenly eaten up with taking care of everything I let slack when I was ruled by my diet.  Laundry, organization, work, bills, kids, etc.  I find myself in this loop over and over and over and over.

I really just want it to be as simple as eat less, move more.  I really want to be active and fit and athletic and strong.  I really just want to eat when I'm hungry and make good choices whenever that time is with whatever I have available.  I want to live my life, eat good food, and be active.  I'm on a quest to find this balance.  I know that I have to balance every area in my life and allow me to take care of me in an area other than diet and exercise, though, or it'll all unravel in about two weeks' time.

No answers or real epiphanies here in this blog.  Just cold hard facts that I'm facing.  Thanks for enjoying the ride with me, folks.

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I like think of myself as a "crispy" momma, but depending upon which friend of mine you ask, my crispness varies.  To my more mainstream friends I am the crunchiest person they know!  Some are just waiting for me to announce that we are going off the grid or switching to only rainwater for household use, but to many of my hardcore crunchy mommas I am barely toasty.

It often seems in the world of crunchy parenting that it can quickly morph into this "how crunchy are you" competition.  Most get thrown into this face-off by making one or two crunchy choices, and all of a sudden, to their mainstream friends, they are "that mom."  You know, the crunchy, free-spirited mom flashing peace signs wearing tie dye and burning her bra.  For me, those choices were homebirth and breastfeeding past 12 months.  Once inside this world, I quickly realized to most I was just mildly toasty.


Over time my parenting has grown, morphed and shifted.  I have adopted a lot of the crunchy parenting ideals, but I am far from the perfect picture of crunchiness. There really are a lot of ways where I'm just as mainstream as anyone else.  Want some confessions?

I am crunchy but --

... We are big milk drinkers in our home! We go through milk like it's water.  REAL milk, from a COW!  GASP!!  I can feel the hard core crunchies trying to not loose their lunch right now at the mere thought of real dairy.  Yeah, we like that white stuff from a cow, and we go through a gallon every two or three days. 
I tried being a good crunchy and buying organic, but that lasted less than a month.  A regular gallon of milk costs an average of four bucks; we need one about every few days.  Organic milk runs (depending upon the brand AND store) $4-$6 for half a gallon!  That doubled the amount we were spending, and on a budget as tight as ours, we just can't afford that.

 ... We eat fast food.  I sometimes think it's frequent, but that's really all perspective isn't it?  We do some sort of fast food, usually McDonald's or Pizza Hut, once every two or three weeks on average.  If I am being 100% honest, we would probably eat out more often if finances allowed for it.  I know it's bad for you and part of the problem with America, but I also get very lazy in the kitchen.  After working in my office in my home, basically attached to the kitchen, and feeding faces all day every day inside of these four walls, sometimes the very last thing I want to do is cook and clean up after another meal.  And let's face it -- McDonald's fries are darn good!

... I also buy prepackaged foods.  I fully support transparency and labeling of products so I can at least try better to avoid GMOs and other "evil" ingredients, but for now, we can't afford to buy organic all the time.  I buy what I can when I can.  I try to be smart and read the labels, but sometimes I just have to close my eyes and pretend like I never heard of GMOs or partially hydrogenated oils or MSG.  There are some things I just don't make myself, such as spaghetti sauce and taco seasoning.  I cook from scratch and shop at farmer's markets, but I still buy Kraft mac & cheese.

There is so much more that the REAL crunchies could judge me on.  I don't homeschool.  I send my kids to the evil, state-run, mind leaching, identity stealing thing called public school and they love it!  I don't vaccinate, but I do medicate if there are some gnarly symptoms going on.  I don't boycott Nestle; In fact, I've used the evil powder in a can made by that evil empire because it's the only one that doesn't stink!  Oh yeah, I've used formula when sick or stuck working an extra hour and the milk supply in the freezer is gone.  We watch TV.  In fact, we watch Disney movies with princesses and heroes and bad guys.  We have gender role toys like trucks and dolls.  We cloth diaper, but I'm not afraid of a disposable.  I won't use momma cloth or family cloth.  I use Tide!  I haven't found another natural alternative that actually gets my family's grime out!  I wear deodorant and use fluoride toothpaste.  Should I hand over my natural parent card now? 

So really, you see, I'm not THAT crunchy.  Again, though, it's all about perspective.  Now hand over the french fries and green smoothie.  :)

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eye opener

I had an eye opening experience today that made me really check myself and realize just how harsh of a critic I am... on ME.

I admire my friends.  I think they're awesome, smart, talented, and... well?  Beautiful.  I don't have a single friend that I don't see inner and outer beauty shining through.  MOST of the time I definitely think of myself as either the *fat* friend, or the *funny* friend, but never the pretty friend.  I really do think every one of my close friends are so much prettier, healthier, and, well, just plain cooler than I.

Really, I'm okay with that.  I don't need to be over-confident or smug or stuck up, even.  But I don't need to keep looking in the fun-house mirror in my mind.  For the longest time I was in denial about how overweight I am.  I didn't look at myself, I didn't shop for myself, and I just pretended not to care.  Then I had to face the cold hard facts that I am more than 50lbs overweight -- obese, even.  I'm not living in the body that I know and love.  I'm not taking care of it, and it's not loving me back.  But boy did I have a warped sense of self-worth.

I'm not hideous.  I'm not a whale.  I'm not disgusting.  I'm not completely healthy, but I'm not the mouth-breather at the gas station who can't keep his breath just STANDING.  I've got room for improvement, but I'm not as far gone as I thought.

I was just given a TRUCKLOAD of clothes that one of my dearest friends has recently and gloriously shrunk out of.  I've always thought she was beautiful, and I'm truly happy for her success in weight loss.  While going through the clothes today, a few familiar pieces sparked some memories of times I spent with her.  I could vividly remember how she looked when she wore them, and do you know what that memory was?  It was of beauty; I clearly remember my friend.  What I don't remember is fat or lumpy or bumpy or frumpy.  What I do remember pretty and put together.

I tried them on.  They fit!  And I had an a-ha moment.

I need to learn to give myself the same grace that I give others.  I need to see the beauty in myself that I see in the world.  I need to be as positive and uplifting to ME as I am to my friends.  I need to stop hating myself while I am preaching love, light, and positivity to the world.  I know my shape and problem areas are not the same as my friend's, but I wonder if others see me more like I saw her and less like I see myself...

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Goals

I've always known and believed that goals are dreams with deadlines -- but I think that's been half of my problem.  My visualizer has been kind of broken lately.  I'm in a size 16 jeans, at least 60lbs overweight, and mentally stuck.  I cannot imagine losing ALL of the weight.  I cannot picture what my body would and could look like when I follow through.  In my mind, I'm the fat mom because I've let myself down so many times with setting goals, really BELIEVING in them, but somehow not following through time and time again.  In my mind, I'm stuck.  I look at size 6 jeans and think..  HA.  My body isn't built like that.  I have all of this negative thinking that I need to rid myself of and really, truly believe in the power to change. 

But honestly, I'm not quite sure how to do that anymore.  So I'm here.  I'm trusting the process and putting it all out there and I'm along for the ride -- however bumpy and tough it is.  And I'm reaching out for help, support, encouragement, and accountability.  I don't just need it when I'm HERE, because when I'm HERE, I'm dialed in and doing well.  It's when I'm not here that I'm slipping.  It's when I slack one day that I start the downward descent.  I need help to stay the course and not give up and have to start over for the 5,792,845th time. 

Here are three goals that I'm going to read and visualize daily:

1.) By my youngest son's 1st birthday (June 15), I will be rid of at least 35lbs of body fat, putting me at 175 and size 11 jeans.  At 5'9", this will still be a little overweight, but not obese!!  This will be a great starting point for the next challenge!

2.) Instead of greasy fast food, I'll have healthy fast food if I do truly run out of time.  I have a bunch of boxes of Right Light begging to be drank, and I will!  Fast food is not who I want to write the future tale of my children's health, so I will not set that example anymore! 

3.) I will make time for 30 minutes of exercise a day.  Period.  No excuses.  I can find 30 minutes even if I do have six kids, two dogs, a cat, two horses, overtime work, and a messy house.  I NEED to find time for exercise so that I can keep up with all of these things.  Bill has proven that 30 minutes a day can not only be effective, but can change your life!  I'll put it to the test!

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can!

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